Tonight the (tarot) cards revealed that when I am of earth, meaning, when I am fully immersed in my human experience (my grounded, direct path in the terrestrial represented by The Chariot card), the magic of the other-world disappears (upside down major arcana The Hierophant, holder of the keys of the cosmos). There is a severing that happens subconsciously between my spiritual path and my terrestrial one as if they’re distinct. I sustain that one cannot exist with the other, therefore sustain dualism, when in reality the only thing pushing my binary way of thinking is colonization or a deep desire to reach unity (which is stated in the Bhagavad Gita that we cannot reach unity without acknowledging the separation inherent in our cognition). This is where the reading begins: friction, severing, so moving on to The next placement of the spread, the cards elate because this kind of separation is equivalent to the chronic dissociation I’ve experienced my whole life as a formerly undocumented and trans person ( I’m clearly no foreigner to dissociation). In the Past-Present sector of the spread I chose today (the spread follows this order from left to right: The Past, Past-Present, The Present, Present-Future, and The Future) the cards side eye heavy, refuse to look at me in the eye cus they don’t have time for my pompous, cerebral ass bitxch self. The Hanged Person card is upside down. This cocky motherfucker AKA me, thinks they’re God; they move in the world all-knowing, therefore blocking any messages directly from the sun, in otherwords there’s nothing more to discover because “I know it all” in other words this motherfucker (me) has already finished writing the book that is my Life rather than LIVING it. Accompanying this clock is the 8 of Swords, which “stabs” a little too much, no pun intended (sword cards are literally representations of my shadow and mania work, so they come to me in reading A LOT seeking revenge, it feels like). The 8 of Swords highlights victimization, a soft blindfold covers my eyes, my hands are cuffed with silk, and I “can’t escape” the “jail” of 8 swords pierced around me. These previous months I’ve stopped producing written work or have done spiritual work because I need to “reevaluate” or “find my guiding questions” in other words EXCUSES to trap me in a state of stagnancy, because I know it all. Wrong. This transition was the hardest to go through—sometimes the most important thing I can do for myself is do what I love, offer myself the gift of my services to myself and let that guide me, rather than paralyzing myself. This isn’t to say the rest I’ve experienced wasn’t well-earned or rather NECESSARY, but it is to state the obvious which is: sometimes knowing too much prevents you from escaping your own mental cage. And so I freed myself…slowly, with great hesitation because I knew that leaving the comfort of my own detention would mean having to accept the aggrandizement of my life. The 1 of Cups reverse reflects my reservations in “starting over.” (To the point I made before regarding a period of revaluation of my work, it’s not that it wasn’t important I do that, it was the staying there as a crutch for inactivity and necessary production). Supporting the 1 of Cups was the Queen of Pentacles, a motherfuckin QUEEN petting her bum ass rabbit outside her BIG ASS CASTLE cus the bitch is RICH and doesn’t have a worry in the world. All this, UPSIDE DOWN. Deep down, I know that what’s coming is grandeur, recognition of my work, it’s financial stability, and peace which are red flags to me in my telenovela cus I’ve never thought I could “deserve” any of it. I don’t want my heart to break, and so I don’t want to “begin” (1 of Cups). But the cards reminded me that The Present is always in flux, so I’m technically already experiencing what’s in the Present-Future. The High Priestess awaits me upright (thank the FUCKEN GAWDS) and the 7 of Swords (celebrated too soon). Although I’m in a more balanced place, my terrestrial and spiritual merging, my extremes softening into a/the Middle Path there is mental deception that I can partake in to convince myself that I’m “doing the work” but am actually not. The cards spoke intricately about The High Priestess. She writes, she teaches, she is a bridge between the stars and the desert, therefore that’s who I am and I too need to write and teach, therefore trust my accumulated wisdom and do what I know how to do best. HOWEVER, they exclaimed, don’t get distracted on stupid shit that has NOTHING to do with my path, hence the 7 of Swords upright (I’m telling you, the Swords trail my ass). So what’s to come? The Future has The Devil and 9 of Coins upside down (the money/ material stability’s tryna come in but I’m scared of my greatness). The Devil speaks on letting my desires emerge, but most importantly letting them GUIDE ME, just mindfully. Don’t get sidetracked, but do immerse, do play, do engage in pleasure. The 9 of Coins upside down is a checkpoint that once crossed will turn upright and let the money flow in. What’s the condition? Play smart! But work hard, I’m almost at the finish line! To conclude the reading three additional cards flew out tryna catch hands. All upside down, they came bearing messages, invitations so that their upright energy can be activated in my life. The 8 of Coins, the 10 of Cups, and the 3 of Cups lay me down gently. I’ve been frustrated with how much work I’ve put into all my crafts and services and haven’t seen me on the cover of a magazine with accolades that make me rich overnight. The 8 of Coin says, just keep working, do it because you love it, let it be THE gift (for you), your work is firstly for you, but to others as well. The 10 of Cups says it will bring me joy, completion, love, harmony in my “career” if I can sustain the steady work without thinking too much of the fruits of my labor or being too keen and critical about it. The 3 of Cups wants to encourage me that there will be so much to celebrate soon, if I don’t give up, keep doing the work of unifying my polarities and maintaining a sweet flow of steady action forward without excuses or derailments. The path is clear: I am the path. What I love to do is the path. I do not need answers before taking a step forward. I can discover those answers along the way, although it may be scary to walk across a river in the dark. But I have to remember that every step I take lights up the logs or rocks leading me across. The more confident a footing in real time the more light bursts the grounds beneath me. Light, I guess, then, becomes more meaningful this way; light a gift, an uncovering, a discovery rather than always an unappreciated given. It’s okay to bring more brightness and color into my world one step, one touch at a time.